This is based on an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart:
NAME:.............. Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX:................. Not lately, but I'm looking.
DESIRED POSITION: President or Vice President. (Seriously, whatever's available. If I was in any position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place!)
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year. But make an offer... we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Prime Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens.
REASON FOR LEAVING: Was advised of more suitable opportunities elsewhere.
HOURS AVAILABLE : Anytime I'm not playing polo.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m on alternate Tuesdays.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY LIMITATIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs: Fifty pounds of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb sexy blonde supermodel, who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. (Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.)
NEAREST RELATIVE:............... 7 miles down route 317.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE: Oh yes, absolutely. In fact, ask anybody...I'm certifiable as they get!