February 22, 2008

"Just tell it like it is..."

This is based on an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart:

NAME:.............. Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX:................. Not lately, but I'm looking.


DESIRED POSITION: President or Vice President. (Seriously, whatever's available. If I was in any position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place!)


DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year. But make an offer... we can haggle.

LAST POSITION HELD: Prime Target for middle management hostility.


PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens.


REASON FOR LEAVING: Was advised of more suitable opportunities elsewhere.


HOURS AVAILABLE : Anytime I'm not playing polo.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m on alternate Tuesdays.


DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.


MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE ANY LIMITATIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs: Fifty pounds of what?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"


ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb sexy blonde supermodel, who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. (Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.)


NEAREST RELATIVE:............... 7 miles down route 317.


DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE: Oh yes, absolutely. In fact, ask anybody...I'm certifiable as they get!

4 comments:

ImperfectNerd said...

Thanks loads to Gail Slaughter in California for sending in this piece.

Akelamalu said...

Oh Boy! That made me laugh so much! I wish I'd had the nerve to put answers like that on some of the application forms I've filled in. Maybe I'll do it just for the hell of it now I'm nearing retirement!

Sent you an email re Reiki - thanks for the enquiry. :)

ImperfectNerd said...

It's Saturdy, a day for taking care of personal business...or pleasure...answering comments is sort of both, especially when they are from lovely English bloggoddesses...have a good day, Ake, I'll be writing you soon!

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

LOL! Very funny! he he he!